Put 'Er There

I'm sick of handshakes. I don't really get it. What is the point? I mean, I guess I get it. Sometimes a handshake can send a subtle (or not so subtle) message. But doesn't it have to be bullshit that people claim it is so important in first impressions? Who gives a shit about how someone shakes your hand? And what is with the guys who make a point of squeezing your hand as hard as they can? Is it just their gentlemanly way of trying to prove they have the biggest dick in the room? It is especially bad when you shake the hand of someone who is, like, in their mid-20's and they are giving you the power squeeze. I imagine some conversation their womanizer salesman father had with them when they were 10 about how important it is to squeeze as hard as you can during hand shake to show that you are a real man or something. Do they get all pumped up that they just crumpled your hand like an empty burger wrapper? Like 'Yeah, TAKE THAT! bro'. I always just squeeze normally, and then it's like 'WHOA, dude, take it easy. Why don't you just challenge me to an arm wrestle or something?'

Also, while I certainly don't endorse the Howie Mandel fist-bump (or terrorist fist jab, if you will), mainly because it is just lame, I have to admit he has a point on the whole germ exchange thing. I'm not a germaphobe or anything, but sometimes you'll shake someone's hand and it is all slimy and clammy. It's gross. Just gross. 

How about this alternative: